Get a group of women in their mid-thirties or beyond together, throw in a few glasses of wine, and at some point the conversation will likely turn to sex. Specifically, the lack of it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a friend confide in me that they ‘just can’t be bothered any ’, and that’s hardly surprising given the list of responsibilities weighing down on them – when you’re focused on keeping friends, family, kids and colleagues happy, your own pleasure can easily fall to the bottom of the heap.

It’s not that the will isn’t there. According to one UK survey, half of women and nearly two-thirds of men said they would like to have sex. However, there’s a big difference between thinking you’d like to have a active sex life in general, and actually feeling in the mood for it when the moment arises. For many women, it feels like one exhausting chore on the to-do list, and not something they’re ready for in either brain or body.

‘Many of us express desire for a regular sex life with our partner, but feeling in the mood can often be a struggle when the moment arrives,’ says Edel McCann, pelvic health physiotherapist and sexual wellness coach for Vacation Vibes. ‘Our busy lives keep us preoccupied with thoughts, plans and problem-solving, leaving little room for the emotional side of ourselves that craves intimacy. Factors like poor sleep, anxiety and physical discomfort can make it even harder to connect with that romantic side when we hope for it.’

Of course, it’s all very different in the heady early days of a relationship. Remember those dazzling months, when regular date nights, eye contact and flirting were fuelled by a strong undercurrent of desire? At that point in a relationship, having lots of sex is not a problem.

However, after several years have passed things are likely to have changed. Clinical psychologist Dr Karen Gurney – known as@thesexdoctoron Instagram – describes this in her

as a decline in ‘sexual currency’.

‘We get used to each other. We can risk falling into a routine of always having sex the same predictable way. We stop kissing for kissing’s sake. We spend time relating to each other as housemates, co-parents, or friends,’ she says.

Indeed, it is harder to feel turned on by someone when you’ve witnessed them cutting their toenails on the sofa, but according to Dr Gurney, many women start to feel like there is something wrong with them. After all, they used to want to have sex with their partner all the time, so why have they suddenly lost their sense of desire?

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One answer, according to the experts, is to think of desire differently. We’ve been fed a lie in thinking we should constantly be able to achieve ‘spontaneous desire’. As McCann says, ‘society often suggests desire should be spontaneous – a sudden spark, like in films or early-stage relationships.’ If our partner snuggles up for a kiss in bed and our first thought is not ‘phwoar’ but ‘oh god no’, we can start to think there is something wrong with us. However, a large proportion of women report rarely or never wanting to have sex out-of-the-blue in this way – but that doesn’t mean that their desire can’t develop with the right stimuli.

‘For many women, especially in long-term partnerships or after life changes like having children or hormonal shifts, desire is often responsive,’ says McCann. ‘It develops as the mind and body engage – through kissing, touching or simply feeling seen, valued, emotionally-connected and safe.’

As Gurney puts it in her TED talk: ‘Desire does not, in fact, always come first. Actually, arousal, meaning the body’s physical response to a sexual stimuli, such as a passionate kiss or being naked with a partner, can come first and then trigger desire…Desire basically arrives later to the party once the party’s got started.’

It’s true that when I’ve chatted to female friends about their sex lives, they often say that when theydoend up having sex it’s great, and makes them think they should do it often. However, if you’ve got to the point where you feel so lacking in sex drive that you positively spring from the bed whenever your partner starts trying to touch you, then allowing that responsive desire to develop is going to be difficult.

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One piece of advice from the experts is to increase the amount of physical intimacy between you without any pressure for it leading to sex. When you leave the house, swap a peck on the check for a longer, lingering kiss on the lips. Make sure you have eye contact with your partner, introduce physical touch and prioritise spending time together regularly (tricky when you have young kids, but try thinking of a babysitter as an investment in your relationship rather than a wild extravagance).

Reconnecting with your own body is also important, says McCann. ‘Pause and notice how your body feels, without expectation. Gentle stretching, movement or mindful breathing can help you settle back into yourself, tuning in to your sensations and desires,’ she says. Communication is also key; ‘Share your needs, talks about stressors, and explore how your partner can support you. Express your love language through touch, words, acts of service or quality time – so you both feel emotionally and physically connected,’ she says.

Think of introducing ‘rituals of connection’ (a phrase coined by marriage experts Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman), whereby you and your partner have recurring, intentional moments to maintain closeness, emotional connection, and a sense of ‘us.’ This could be as simple as holding hands on the sofa every evening while you have a five minute chat about how your day has been – anything that makes you feel seen and heard, anchoring your relationship further.

Phone-free time together will also help – if your brain is riled up and full of all the information from your smartphone, it’s likely to push away those sexual urges than if you are mentally in the moment.

If tiredness is an issue, then discuss when you engage in physical intimacy with your partner. Last thing at night when you’ve finally got into bed after a busy day might not be a winner if one or both partners is exhausted. Ditto after a big meal when you’re feeling full.

Finally, if it’s your partner rather than you that is struggling with desire, then avoid piling on the expectations. ‘If your partner often isn’t in the mood, focus on connection, curiosity and safety rather than pressure,’ says McCann. ‘Start with an open conversation about how they’re feeling and what might be affecting their desire. Explore ways to support them; take tasks of their plate that are weighing them down, nurture closeness and try gentle touch, massage or non-sexual intimacy to help their body relax.’