The Secret Intimacy Killer Women Are Too Ashamed To Admit Hurt Husbands Wonder Why Their Wives No Longer Want To Have Sex With Them. I Think I Know Why… JANA HOCKING

I’m just going to say it: I hate my friend’s husband.

He’s genuinely a pig. He treats her like rubbish, leaves her on ‘read’ or blocks her when they’re fighting – even if he’s promised to pick up the kids. And despite them both having high-powered jobs (hers even so than his), she’s the one who drops everything to fix every mess he makes.

The number of times she’s called me in tears, leaving work to pick up their children because he’s in a mood and won’t answer his phone, leaves me with steam coming out of my ears.

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But when you see him out, it’s a whole different story. He’s all charm. My dad was the same, so I recognise the act.

Then there’s another friend’s husband I always seem to cross paths with when I’m out with my single girlfriends.

It never fails: we’ll be on a girls’ night, sipping cocktails, then he appears – slurring, stumbling and making a spectacle of himself. The last time it happened, he begged me to go back to their place with a bottle of champagne to ‘keep his wife company’ while she watched their children – just so he could stay out drinking longer.

Not only was he ruining her night, he was prepared to ruin mine too – just to keep the party going with his mates. It beggars belief.

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When I texted her later to say I’d seen him, she replied immediately: ‘Was he making a fool of himself again?’ She had grown so accustomed to his antics that the embarrassment barely registered any .

And the stories just keep coming – which is why I need to share something women quietly confess in hushed tones over glasses of rosé but would never, ever admit in polite company: they are embarrassed by their husbands.

Not in the harmless ‘he wore socks with sandals again!’ way. I mean the kind of deep, intimacy-sapping embarrassment that makes them cringe when introducing him to colleagues, ‘forget’ to include him in social plans, and even recoil when he reaches for them in bed.

The real marriage killer isn’t financial instability, boredom, health issues or wandering eyes. It’s embarrassment. Plain and simple.

Their husbands’ silly hobbies, bad manners, drinking, lame buddies – they make their wives wonder: what happened to the fun, charismatic man I was once proud to show off to my girlfriends?

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This is what I’ve witnessed: wives who literally hold their breath when their husband speaks at dinner parties. Women who avoid work events because they can’t trust their spouses not to get embarrassingly drunk. Mothers who flinch at school pick-up whenthathusband turns up in stained trackies, unshaven, looking utterly defeated.

Nothing kills desire faster than being embarrassed by the person who’s meant to be your equal.

I’ve watched it happen to at least five friends in the past two years alone. They married confident, put-together men who somehow morphed into overgrown teenagers the moment they said ‘I do’.

One friend’s husband developed an obsession with cryptocurrency that has him glued to Reddit forums until 3am, speaking in incomprehensible jargon and boring everyone at barbecues with his ‘investment strategies’ while he’s yet to make a profit.

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Another’s husband joined a ‘men’s group’ that’s essentially an excuse for middle-aged blokes to drink beer in someone’s garage and complain about their wives – the irony is completely lost on them.

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Then there’s the friend whose husband became a craft beer snob. Not the sophisticated kind – the kind who talks loudly about ‘hop profiles’ at restaurants, sends back perfectly good drinks, and insists on bringing his own bottles to parties because nothing on offer will be ‘good enough’.

She told me she now introduces him to new people with a pre-emptive apology.

The worst part is these men are genuinely confused about why their wives have gone cold. ‘We never have sex any ,’ they moan to their mates. ‘I don’t know what happened.’

I’ll tell you what happened: she can’t fancy someone she has to mother, manage and make excuses for.

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I see it constantly. The wife who tenses up when her husband starts telling that story for the hundredth time. The one who physically moves away when he starts to get loud at the pub. The woman whose smile becomes painfully fake when her husband makes an inappropriate joke in front of her friends.

Just last month, I was at a dinner party where a husband – already three drinks in – started explaining to the table why his wife was ‘wrong’ about climate change. You could see her dying inside. She tried to change the subject twice before finally excusing herself to ‘check on dessert’.

She stayed in the kitchen for 20 minutes. Her best friend whispered to me: ‘She won’t sleep with him for a week after this.’ I completely understood why.

Because here’s what men don’t seem to grasp: you can’t disrespect your wife in public and expect her to desire you in private. You can’t embarrass her in front of people whose opinions she values and then wonder why she’s ‘not in the mood’ later.

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This tracks with what research is telling us. Elizabeth Gilbert famously noted that ‘marriage is far beneficial to men than women. Married men perform better in life than single men, are happier, live longer, and earn money. Married women, on the other hand, make less money than single women, suffer from depression, don’t live as long, and are likely to be victims of violence.’

Maybe it’s because married women already shoulder the mental load and run the household – now they’re also stuck with the emotional burden of being embarrassed by the very man who’s meant to be their partner.

Studies on relationship satisfaction consistently show that women’s desire drops significantly after marriage, while men’s stays relatively stable. We’ve blamed everything from hormones to stress to kids. But what if it’s simpler than that? What if women just can’t maintain attraction to someone who embarrasses them?

Think about it: when you’re dating, men are on their best behaviour. They dress well, watch their drinking, mind their manners, impress your friends. Then marriage happens and suddenly it’s like they’ve crossed some invisible finish line.

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The effort stops. The beer gut appears. The hobbies become all-consuming. The social skills evaporate.

My single girlfriends and I see it clearest. We’ll be out having a lovely evening when someone’s husband appears, already half-cut, acting the fool. Or we’ll be at a party where a wife is visibly trying to manage her husband’s behaviour like he’s a toddler who might have a meltdown. And we’ll all think to ourselves: ‘Is this what I have to look forward to?’ God, I hope not.

Because the pattern is everywhere once you start looking. The husband who won’t stop interrupting his wife mid-sentence. The one who’s rude to waitstaff while she apologises with her eyes. The bloke who still dresses like he’s 19 and thinks it’s ‘quirky’ rather than tragic. The one who’s let himself go so completely that his wife admits she can barely look at him any – and then feels guilty for feeling that way.

And don’t even get me started on the married men who make fools of themselves by sliding into my DMs with fire emojis and pick-up lines – all while attempting to look like husband and father of the year on their own Instagram grids.

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Embarrassing, the lot of them.

But here’s where it gets dark: when a wife loses respect for her husband, when she’s genuinely embarrassed by him, intimacy doesn’t just decrease, it actually becomes repulsive.

One brutally honest friend told me: ‘When he reaches for me at night, all I can think about is how he acted at dinner. How he interrupted me three times. How he got defensive when I corrected him in front of our friends. How he made that sexist joke and thought it was hilarious. And I just… can’t. I physically can’t.’

Another confessed: ‘I’m not attracted to someone I have to manage. I spend all day telling him to pick up after himself, reminding him about basic responsibilities, smoothing over his social disasters. By the time we’re in bed, I feel like his mother. And nobody wants to sleep with their child.’

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The husbands, meanwhile, feel rejected and confused. They think the problem is physical, or timing, or stress. They don’t realise it’s something else entirely: they’ve become embarrassing.

So here’s my message to husbands who are wondering why their wives have gone cold: Take a long, hard look at yourself. Are you the man she married, or have you let yourself slip into mediocrity? Do your mates make her cringe? Do your ‘hobbies’ make her roll her eyes? When you’re out together, does she seem proud to be with you, or does she look like she’s babysitting?

Because marriage isn’t a finish line where you get to stop trying. It’s not a licence to become the worst version of yourself while expecting your wife to remain attracted to you. It’s not permission to embarrass her publicly and expect passion privately.

Women aren’t complicated creatures with mysterious libidos that need decoding. We’re pretty simple actually: we want husbands who make us feel proud, not mortified. Partners who enhance our lives, rather than diminish them.

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And if you’ve become someone your wife is ashamed to introduce at parties, don’t be surprised when she’s not rushing to get you alone afterwards.

The bedroom isn’t where marriages die. They die in those tiny moments of public humiliation, in the accumulation of embarrassments, in the slow realisation that the man you married has stopped being the man you chose.

So gentlemen, if your wife has gone cold, ask yourself honestly: would you want to sleep with someone like you? Because right now, increasingly, she doesn’t.